I found my mother in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. She had been staying with us since the funeral because I still wasn't eating enough and kept waking up in the night calling for my son.
"What's happening?" she asked.
“His teacher found something. Owen left me something, Mom.”
Her face changed with that gentle, sorrowful understanding that only another mother can show without looking away.
Charlie was at work. Work had become his refuge since the funeral. He left early, came home late, and spoke very little in between. He wouldn't even let me hug him anymore. The distance between us had stopped feeling like a solitary grief. It had begun to feel like a locked room I couldn't enter.
He wouldn't even let me hug him anymore.
At a stoplight, I looked at the little wooden bird hanging from my rearview mirror and burst into tears. Owen had made it for me last Mother's Day in workshop class. The wings were uneven. The beak was crooked.
I had called him beautiful, and he had rolled his eyes and said, "Mom, you're legally obligated to say that!"
The school was exactly the same when I arrived. It was unbearable.
Mrs. Dilmore waited near the reception desk, pale. Her hands trembled as she held out a white envelope. "I found it at the bottom of my desk drawer. I don't know how I missed it."
I picked it up carefully, as if the paper might be damaged. On the front, in Owen's handwriting, were two words: For Mom.
My knees almost gave out at that very moment.
“I found it in the back corner of the bottom drawer of my desk.”
—Would you like to sit down? —Mrs. Dilmore asked.
“Please,” I whispered.
He led me to an empty side room with a single table, two chairs, and a window overlooking the field where Owen used to run across the grass when he thought I couldn't see him.
Part of me knew that whatever it was I was carrying inside was going to change something, and suddenly felt afraid of another change that I hadn't chosen.
I slid a finger under the flap. Inside was a folded sheet of notebook paper. As soon as I saw my son's handwriting, I felt such a sharp pain in my heart that I had to cover it with my hand.
“Mom, I knew this letter would reach you if anything happened to me. You need to know the truth. The truth about Dad and what’s been happening these last few years…”
Suddenly, I felt fear in the face of another change that I had not chosen.
